2day my roommate’s boyfriend…
OK, so apparently I had a tweet last week that startled some of my Twitter followers. It read a little like this:
‘2daymyroommate is talking, no, FIGHTING w/her ‘boyfriend’ on the phone during the premier of LOST!’
Pretty bad, huh? But before I get into that, let me apologize for being totally MIA lately. Don’t worry, it’s not because Stinky stopped being a disgusting bitch or anything. It’s just that this new job is messing with my tweeting and blog time!
Anyway, back to the tweet. Obviously the part about talking during Lost pissed me off, but looks like the real shocker for you guys was the term ‘boyfriend’. So I guess I owe you some clarification.
The term ‘boyfriend’ is used very loosely. In fact, I used it because ‘the boy that lives in North Dakota that my roommate likes to pretend is her boyfriend, but who never has once bothered to visit her in the TWO YEARS that she’s lived here’ didn’t fit in a tweet.
I’m sorry Stinky, but if your ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t want to visit you (AKA doesn’t want to hang out with you or your nasty cooch), then he is not your boyfriend. If your ‘boyfriend’ is heading off to Florida and Texas next month, but didn’t want to drive 2 hours to see you when you were home for Christmas break, then he is not your boyfriend.
So, I have come to a conclusion.
Imaginary boyfriend. It’s the only logical explanation. I mean, come on, who else would date a girl who showers once a week, lives for Velveeta cheese, and leaves shit floating in the toilet (what, I haven’t told you about that one yet)?! Honestly, she needs to get real here. She got herpes in her eyeballs from touching her fungus toes to her eyes for God’s sake.
So, you can rest at ease knowing that no man, as of yet, exists that would date my roommate, Stinky. BUT. But, if by some miracle, this ‘boyfriend’ does exist, by all means, have him visit (not that he would). Gross as it may sound, I would LOVE to meet him. I couldn’t possibly pass up the opportunity to meet the inspiration for what could possibly be the best blog post of my life.
2day my roommate got mad at me for taking her diet plan off the fridge. She puts cheese on her cheese for God’s sake! Ugh.
So there’s this fucking diet plan that my roommate has had on our fridge since we moved in.
It bugs the shit out of me for the following reasons:
1. Everyone who comes over asks me what it is. And you know what? For some weird reason it embarrasses me to have to explain that it’s for the Lardo on the couch over there.
2. SHE HAS NEVER ATTEMPTED TO DO IT. EVER. It’s been up for months.
3. It’s retarded. No like literally, look at it. It’s the most retarded diet ever.
WTF kinda diet says ‘No bread (unless you have to),’ or ‘Eat sweet potatoes, but NO iceberg lettuce’? My favorite part is where it says (of all the fruits in the world) you can eat apples and bananas because those are the best for you. Wrong! Who wrote this retarded diet? And an even better question, what is it doing on my and Stinky’s fridge?!
How is this girl supposed to be on a diet? She only moves from her bed to the couch to the fridge and back to the couch. She drinks protein shakes after lunch AND dinner. And cheese is like this girl’s middle name! No Joke. She puts cheese on her Hot Pockets. She eats Hot Pockets! BAH!
So just to drive home my point, guess what my roommate took to work for lunch yesterday. I’ll give you one guess. CHEESE! She packed an entire Tupperware of these nasty cheese nugget thingies that she brought home with her from the Cheese State.
Like at first I thought these were something else that was just wrapped in cheese. But no. They are just sweaty cheese nuggets, or ‘curds’ as the bag says. And they’re full fat. MMmmm.
Good luck with that diet roomie!
Filed under: Roommates
2day my roommate scrambled 18 eggs, mixed them with ketchup, put them in a Tupperware and refrigerated them. Why? So that she has breakfast for the week. Ugh
Who the fuck eats leftover eggs? NO ONE! Or so I thought, but apparently my roommate does. And so do those weirdoes who get breakfast sammies from Subway (yeah, they don’t make those eggs fresh for you).
Can someone please enlighten me? It takes two effing seconds to scramble a damn egg and two more seconds to eat it. Why on earth does my roommate feel it’s necessary to prepare enough scrambled eggs to last her a week? And she premixed ketchup into them. Nasty. So now I have to look at a giant Tupperware of pink eggs every time I open my fridge. I guess I should be thankful that at least she didn’t also melt a brick of Velveeta in them, because we all know how much she loves her some Velveeta cheese.
I’m sorry I can’t get over it. Refrigerated scrambled eggs that she warms up at work. Thank god she doesn’t have any coworkers because she would totally be the office outcast.
This is gonna sound all mean and whatever (like that’s ever stopped me), but I swear this girl is gonna die of high cholesterol or something. She downs eggs like nobody’s business, adds cheese to already cheesy food, and drinks wine-infused protein shakes after dinner. Who taught her to eat like this!
Filed under: Roommates
2day my roommate lost her belly ring. It’s on the kitchen floor. Ugh.
So I walk into the kitchen today to see my roommate’s crusty belly button ring on the floor, next to some of her cheese crumbs. I have a few problems with this:
1) It’s not the fucking 90s anymore, so take the damn thing out and move on (sorry to those of you who are still rocking them).
2) Why the fuck is it on the floor? In the kitchen?!
3) Belly button rings do not belong on girls who put cheese on their Hot Pockets.
Ewwwah. The thought of this thing sitting amongst the rolls and cellulite on my roommate’s gut is grossing me out.
Umm, also when I pointed it out to her she was shocked that it fell out with both sides attached. This means the hole in her belly button is stretched out enough for the ball to slip through. Gross. And BTW she put it back in without even washing it off!
Did I ever mention that my roommate also has two tattoos? One is the ugliest cluster of green-blue stars on her fungus foot that basically looks like a pen bled into her skin. The other is of the Chinese symbol for friendship. Which is fucking funny because she’s not friends with any of the 6 other girls she got it with! Is that rude of me? Yes. Do I care? No.
Filed under: Roommates
2day my roommate got mad at me for sweeping because she ‘just swept yesterday’. I hope she was lying because this is really gross:
I’m sure you heard me bitch before about getting out of the shower and stepping into a pile of my roommate’s hair. Yeah, it’s gross. I hate it. I seriously hate getting all clean and then having to wear dirty, greasy, hair slippers out of the bathroom.
It’s like the girl is molting. I have to sweep all the time to keep my feet from getting ensnarled in her nasty ass hair. And you’d think that she’d be at least a little thankful that I keep the bathroom clean, but no. She rather give me attitude instead. Like today, when I busted out my bff, the broom, and started sweeping she glared at me and said, ‘Umm, what are you doing? I just swept yesterday.’ What the fuck does she care if she swept yesterday and I want to sweep today?
I didn’t say anything. I just kept sweeping. And when I was done I set the dust pan with all the crap I collected on the coffee table in front of her and didn’t say anything. My roommate got off the couch (miracle), dumped her hair in the trash can and then locked herself in her room. Touche!
Filed under: Roommates
2daymyroommate sent me an email titled ’12’. Its a chain email I have to forward to 12 women or die or some crap like that. So Gay. Ugh
I hate getting stupid chain emails, so getting a chain email from my roommate is like the worst ever. Do you really expect me to believe that if I pass this crap onto 30 new people all my wishes will come true? No.
And why the fuck did she send this to me? I would love to know in which ways I have ‘touched the life’ of my roommate. I’m pretty sure if she knew about this blog, I wouldn’t be getting these emails telling me how ‘together we can achieve the impossible’. Barf.
2day my roommate said, word for word, ‘Ewww, my room stinks so bad.’ Stinky herself finally admitting to her own stench? Wow!
So I used to think that maybe my roommate couldn’t smell. Like maybe she had so many boogers and cheese stuck in her nose that it prevented her from taking in her own aroma. That had to be the case, because there is no way that someone with a functioning nose could handle her stench. But I was wrong! She can smell. The bitch has been able to smell all along!
That is so disgusting. I’m freaking out. There is so much running through my head right now! Like…
When she asked me why I only Febreeze the couch she sits on, she knew why.
When she asked why I take out the trash so often, she knew why.
When she asked why I wanted her to throw away her rotting sandals, she knew why.
When she asked why I ask her to sit on a towel if she’s not going to shower after the gym, she knew why.
When I ‘wondered’ what that smell coming from her room was, she knew what it was. She knew!
This just supports my argument. My roommate is Pig-Pen incarnate.
How has she been able to smell this whole time, and yet refuses to shower. To her laundry. To change her clothes?! Like she won’t shower for days, and (now) I know she can smell herself, and she’ll just go out or go to work like no big deal. What is she thinking? That maybe she doesn’t smell that bad? But it is that bad. That bad that she, Stinky herself, admitted that her room reeks (but of course doesn’t do anything about it).
How dare she let me believe that she was physically impaired, that her nose was broken!
That’s it, she’s splitting the cost of the extra-strength Febreeze with me.